


for the first time in such a long time (I know I'll be okay)

by possumdnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Communication, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:07:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possumdnp/pseuds/possumdnp
Summary: Three conversations in Phil’s bedroom in 2009.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 23
Kudos: 131





	for the first time in such a long time (I know I'll be okay)

**1**  
**October 19th**

Phil’s room looks bigger in person.

It’s probably a stupid thing to think. But even after Skyping with Phil for hours on end, Dan realizes when he steps in this room that he doesn’t know every inch of this room, not like Phil does.

Here’s a little stuffed dog perched on top of the bookshelf that must’ve always been out of sight of the webcam. On the doorframe, there’s a series of pencil marks with heights and years labeled, too lightly drawn to have noticed over Skype. On the corkboard, there’s a photo of a teenage Phil surrounded by a load of people whose names Dan doesn't know.

“What’s up?” Phil says. Dan looks over to see that he’s smiling at him, and Dan thinks that maybe he looks just as nervous as Dan feels right now. Against his will, his eyes drop to Phil’s lips, then flicker up again in embarrassment, as though he’s violating Phil’s physical space.

_Phil’s lips._

They’d been on his just an hour ago, when they were on the big wheel in the city. Phil had actually kissed him back when he’d leaned forward, spurred on by the glass of alcohol in his system and pure, dumb teenage nerve. (Also by the fact that Phil has in the past, during their sleepy five-hour Skype calls, told Dan that he thinks he’s cute and that he’d really like to kiss him one day. So it hadn’t been without some confidence that Dan had kissed him. All things considered, it was a pretty safe bet.)

But somehow, kissing Phil is such a bigger prospect here in this room. It’s a familiar space, yet somehow still incredibly unfamiliar. It makes Dan overly aware that he’s never done this before, gone back to the bedroom of a guy he really likes. He’s never kissed or touched a guy in that guy’s own bedroom before. He’s beyond excited at the newness of it all - and terrified to his very soul.

“Dan? You okay?”

Shit. Dan’s forgotten that Phil had literally just asked him a question, and here he is, staring silently around Phil’s room like some wide-eyed fanboy. Some great impression he’s making right now.

“Sorry. I’m fine,” Dan says, and takes his backpack off of his shoulder. “Where should I put my shit?”

Phil takes the bag from him. “I dunno, just set it on this couch, since we won’t be using it.” He pauses and does a weird, anxious gesture with his hands. “I mean, unless you wanted to sleep on the couch. Or you can sleep in the guest room. I’m not saying you have to sleep in my room if that would make you feel uncomfortable -”

“Phil.” He puts a comforting hand on Phil’s arm. “Remember we agreed over Skype that we could share your bed, that it’d just make sense?”

Phil smiles apologetically and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Yeah. So we could spend as much time together as possible.”

“Believe me, I still wanna do that.” In part, because it’s what’s been getting him through the past few weeks of nerves, thinking about how good it will feel to share a bed. Not even in a sexy way (although Dan would be lying if he said he hadn’t gotten off several times to the thought of waking up next to a half-naked Phil).

Honestly - and it’s so pathetic, he’d never tell it to Phil - he deeply craves physical affection from someone who really cares about him. The only person he really gets that from anymore is Nana, but he’s been so busy with his stupid job lately that he hasn’t seen her much. His mum’s too stressed from the office and fighting with his dad to give him a hug, and his brother is an idiot preteen boy who thinks it’s ‘gay’ to hug anyone, even his own brother.

He’s taken to getting his warmth and affection from the family dog, and from wrapping his hands around warm mugs of coffee. It’s sad when he thinks about it, that he’s grown so starved for affection that fucking _coffee_ provides more warmth and support than his actual family.

Except for Phil. He’s been there, providing that warmth from afar. Dan’s had a strong feeling that _actually_ getting to touch and hold Phil would be the best thing ever.

And he’s been right so far. They’d hugged when Dan had arrived on the train, and Dan had been able to smell him for the first time. That’d been another thing his sad, sad self had been looking forward to, getting to know Phil in all possible dimensions. And he’d smelled wonderful, not like anything in particular really, but Dan had breathed him in so he wouldn’t forget it when they had to depart.

So yeah, Dan really fucking wants to share a bed with Phil, as platonically or not platonically as Phil wants.

Phil’s still watching him, his gaze soft. “I think that maybe we’re overthinking things a bit.”

Dan laughs. “Yeah. I’ve been known to do that.”

“What if we, I dunno. Just act like we normally do and not worry about if it’s weird?”

“That sounds perfect,” Dan says.

Phil grins, and Dan feels relief wash through him. “Great. Do you want to change into something more comfortable?”

“Is that a line?”

Phil splutters. “Um, no, oh my god. I meant pyjamas. Like, comfy, ugly, not-sexy-at-all pyjamas.”

“I’d love to.”

Phil grabs a pair out of his wardrobe, then seems to hesitate. “I can go change in the bathroom?”

“You can stay,” Dan says without thinking.

Phil bites his lip. “I don’t want to, like, scare you off.”

“What, are you hiding tentacles or an extra dick underneath your clothes?”

Phil laughs. “No. But speaking of that, did I ever tell you the story of when Martyn convinced me that the difference between boys and girls was that girls had two penises?”

“What the fuck? No.”

“Yeah. And then I went and asked my auntie which of her two willies she peed out of, and my mum turned bright red and carried me off to give me a sex talk. My auntie’s never let me live that one down.”

Dan laughs like a hyena at that. “You were a handful as a kid.”

“I really was. When you meet my mum, I bet she’ll tell you _all_ the horror stories.” He doesn’t flinch at the implication that he wants Dan to meet his parents, and that makes Dan feel light. That means Phil must want to see him again, that he hasn’t fucked this whole thing up already.

“So. Pyjamas?” Dan says. He unzips his backpack and digs out his own pair.

“Pyjamas.” They stare at each other, daring the other to make the first move.

“Fuck it,” Dan says after a few awkward seconds. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other shirtless over Skype before. He quickly strips off his shirt. Phil follows suit, and Dan’s gaze traces over Phil’s chest.

It strikes him that he’s never been able to do this before in real life, just stare at a half-naked guy without fear of repercussion. Phil’s not gonna call him one of those nasty names, because he’s staring back at Dan just as intently.

Feeling brave, he goes to unzip his jeans. Instantly, Phil’s eyes flick to his crotch, and Dan’s brain is buzzing with how strange and good the attention feels.

Once his jeans are off, he straightens up. “You gonna do it too, or are you just enjoying the show?” Putting on bravado like this is how he’s bullshitted his way through life. He’s not actually half as confident as what he sounds like.

Phil actually blushes. “Sorry. I got distracted. Um. I like your boxers.” Dan glances down to see that he’s wearing fucking Sonic the Hedgehog boxers. Great. Nothing to seduce a guy like Sonic’s face stretched across his nether regions. “I wish I had cool Sonic pants. I just have on plain ones, see?”

He shoves down his own skinny jeans, exposing a pair of red boxers. They stretch and fold around Phil’s hips and ass as he bends over to take off his trousers, and when he stands up, Dan can see the suggestion of his dick through the material. Dan’s brain is probably actually melting out of his ears and onto the floor.

He feels… well, almost _shy._ Which is weird, because it’s not like he hasn’t had sex before, or seen guys in various states of undress. And he’s anything but shy usually. He’s annoying and loud. But there’s just something about Phil that makes him go weak and want to stare.

Feeling a bit rude, his eyes snap back up to Phil’s face, to see that he’s smiling at Dan. Dan blushes and looks away, feeling like he’s been caught doing something wrong.

“You’re allowed to look, you know,” Phil says. “It’s okay.”

“I know.”

“I really like it when you look at me,” Phil continues. “This isn’t any different from Skype, like, when we’d take our shirts off for each other, okay?”

“It just feels like it is, though,” Dan says in a near-whisper. It’s like it means more, somehow, having all of that skin exposed in front of him, knowing he could actually reach out and touch if he wanted to. (And holy fuck, does he want to.)

Phil smiles understandingly, then steps into his pyjama bottoms and pulls them up his legs. Feeling underdressed, Dan does the same.

“D’you want to put shirts on?” Phil asks. “‘Cause I normally don’t wear one to sleep. But if it’ll make you feel comfortable, I’ll wear it.”

“No, keep it off.” He says it quickly and impulsively, before he can lose all nerve. Mostly, that comes from not wanting to lose sight of Phil's glorious flat chest and cute nipples.

“C’mere, then,” Phil says, tossing his shirt to the floor and sitting on the bed. Dan follows happily, and Phil pulls the duvet over their legs. It’s not quite being in bed with Phil; they’re sat upright on the bed, and their backs are against the wall. But they’re just a few inches apart, and if Dan were to reach his hand out, he could touch Phil.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Phil continues, once they’re settled.

“Me too.”

“I kinda didn’t think it would happen. Like it was too good to be true to think that you’d travel all this way just to see me.”

“Really?”

Phil shrugs. “This year’s been hard. It kinda felt like maybe the universe hated me.”

“Mate, tell me about it.”

“Sorry. I feel bad complaining sometimes.” Phil reaches over and takes Dan’s hand, settling them between them on the duvet. “My life’s good, mostly. Especially since I started talking to you.”

Dan smiles and looks down at their clasped hands. He hopes his palm isn’t sweaty and gross. “Mine too.”

Phil’s thumb strokes over Dan’s fingers. His skin is soft, his movements gentle, and Dan is literally going to combust if he keeps this up.

“Should we do something?” Phil asks. “We could watch a movie on my laptop, or we could play video games, or -”

“Let’s just spend time with just us,” Dan says. “No screens between us.”

Phil smiles and squeezes Dan’s hand. “That sounds perfect. ‘Cause I can’t do this while we’re Skyping.” He leans in and presses his lips to Dan’s.

If kissing on the big wheel felt good, this feels like a fire igniting in his belly. He’s kissing Phil, in Phil’s bedroom, and it’s what he’s dreamed about a thousand times before while alone in his own room.

It’s just starting to get really good when Dan feels Phil start to move back to draw away.

“No, don’t stop,” Dan mumbles, and brings his hand to the back of Phil’s head to keep him there. Phil makes a happy noise, and Dan smiles into the kiss.

After a few minutes, Dan lays down onto the bed, pulling Phil half on top of his body, only briefly separating to readjust and make themselves more comfortable. He loves this so much, having a boy half on top of him, a boy he knows is into him and isn’t gonna ignore him or be rude to him the next day.

And it feels so, so good. Phil’s mouth is now trailing its way along Dan’s jaw, and down to Dan’s neck. Without thinking, Dan’s hips roll up into Phil’s, and he realizes that they’re both hard. Like, proper hard.

Phil pulls away, and his lips are red and his hair is in his face.

Dan’s breathing a bit harder than usual when he says, “What’s wrong?”

“Is this okay? I know this is a lot, and I don’t want you to think we’re rushing it or going too fast.”

Great, he’s already offended Phil. His stomach sinks into the fucking ground, and he draws back, looking away. “Sorry.”

“What? No, oh my god.” Phil props himself up on one arm and strokes Dan’s cheek with a hand. “No, I was really enjoying it. I just -” He blushes and looks away. “I wanted your visit to be, like, proper romantic.”

Dan sits up, and Phil shuffles over. “You think this is us going fast?” He’s talked to Phil for like half a year now. This is probably the _least_ fast Dan’s ever gone with anyone, except for with his ex-girlfriend (though that was for other reasons).

“Well, yeah.” Phil looks vaguely uncomfortable. “We just met a few hours ago.”

Dan’s stomach sinks even further. “You don’t consider our Skype sessions to be us meeting?”

“Of course I do.” He takes Dan’s hands again - both of them this time. “Fuck. I didn’t mean that I don’t trust you, or that I’m uncomfortable with you, Dan. Not at all. I just don’t want to rush into things, you know? I want to savour every minute with you, and get to know you more in-person.”

“You realize I’m the same person as Skype-Dan.”

“I know you are, stupid.” He says it like it’s a cute pet name. “I just didn’t want you to think that I was inviting you up north only for sex. ‘Cause I kinda like you a whole lot more than that.” Phil squeezes his hands.

“I think you’re maybe the best friend I’ve ever had,” Dan blurts out, and oh god, maybe that’s not the right thing to say to someone you secretly _really_ want to date. What if he gets the wrong idea?

“Yeah?”

He rushes to explain. “And it’s kinda weird, ‘cause before I left home to come up north, I daydreamed about hanging out and playing video games with you, and talking until five in the morning. But I also really wanted to kiss you and touch you. I guess I’ve just never felt all of those things for one person before. It’s kind of a lot to handle. My brain is like, literally exploding from how happy I am right now.”

He looks down, feeling like he’s just exposed his soul. But somehow, it doesn’t feel embarrassing. This is Phil. He’s already seen Dan at his worst, and somehow, Phil hasn’t turned away yet.

“I feel the exact same,” Phil says. “And I guess I just don’t want to mess it up.”

“You won’t,” Dan says.

Phil glances over. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

“I’ve never had a friend like you, either. A best friend, you know, someone who I’m not afraid of talking to about anything.”

Dan squeezes his hand. “Me neither.”

Phil grins. “But also, I’ve never had a best friend who I can just lean over and kiss.” He pulls Dan in, and yeah, that’s something Dan’s never had either.

After a few minutes, Phil pulls back and tucks his face into Dan’s shoulder. “I’m really glad you’re here, Dan.”

Dan closes his eyes and breathes him in. “Me too.”

**2**  
**November 8th**

Up north is quickly becoming Dan’s absolute favourite place. He doesn’t have to deal with living in his childhood home and trying to avoid his parents. He doesn’t have to feel like shit knowing that he’s the only one lame enough to not be in university yet (and perhaps more importantly, he doesn’t have to worry about running into one of the people he used to go to school with).

When he’s up north, he can just hang out with Phil. This visit, it’s not just them in the house. Phil’s parents are around, and on the train ride over, Dan was worried it would be awkward. It is, a bit, but they’re nice to him. They feed him dinner and ask him questions about his life, and they actually pay attention to his answers.

Mostly though, Phil’s parents leave them be. They’re busy with work and their own social lives, and they’re used to having an empty nest.

So he and Phil are free to do as they please. Sometimes, they head out to wander around Manchester. But mostly, they stay home and play video games until their eyes grow bleary, or make YouTube videos. They don’t even have to worry about being too noisy, a fear Dan hasn’t quite gotten over while making videos in his own family home.

It’s the freest he’s felt in… well, in his whole life. It feels like he’s known Phil forever. They’ve already spent enough time around each other to have routines and traditions, which is something Dan would feel emotional about if he were to think about it for too long.

One of those traditions is three-hour breakfasts.

Most mornings, they haul themselves out of bed at eleven in the morning and set about making an epic feast to take back to the comfort of Phil’s room. This morning, Phil had a hankering for pancakes - both the British kind and the fluffy American kind - so that’s what they’re making.

They’re not good cooks, but they try their best, finding recipes on Phil’s laptop and getting out all of the bowls and pans in the kitchen.

“You’ve been to the US, right? Have you ever been to IHOP?” Phil asks. Just five minutes in, and he’s somehow got pancake batter on his cheek. Dan has a very strong urge to lick it off.

“Um, no?” Dan says, feeling like it’s a trick question.

“Oh my god! You have to go. We’ll take a holiday to the US together.”

“Just to go to IHOP?”

“Yup!” Phil smiles widely, and Dan thinks he would go to the frickin’ moon if Phil thought it was a good idea.

The pancakes turn out surprisingly well for how terrible they both are in the kitchen, and they bring them back up to Phil’s room to eat.

“Aren’t you worried about your bed getting sticky?” Dan asks once they’ve gotten settled. He’s got his plate balanced on his knees, and he’s cutting his pancakes carefully with his fork to avoid getting sugar and crumbs everywhere.

“Eh, not really,” Phil says, shoveling in a bite. “We can always wash the sheets, can’t we?”

“All right, messy.”

Phil grins. “You know, when I first got to talking with you, I never thought you’d be such a tidy person. Like, what uni-age person is so neat? But I like it a lot.”

Dan blushes. “You do?”

“Yeah. I like watching you. You’re always straightening things out, making sure things don’t get messy. Lots of guys are total slobs.”

“Like you?”

“Hey! I’m getting better.” He gestures to the room around them. “See, I don’t call this ‘mess.’ I see it as having a cozy, lived-in space.”

“Sure, Phil.” Dan eats more of his pancake. “You know, sometimes I wondered about that. Like, what two guys living together would be like. All the tv shows portray guys as being literally useless at housekeeping.”

“That’s kinda bullshit,” Phil says, shrugging. “Like, my dad really likes cleaning, because he thinks it’s satisfying to see how the house looks when all the dust and dirt is gone. But my mum always puts it off, ‘cause she says she’s got better things to do.” He takes a drink of coffee. “I get what you mean, though. It’s kinda hard when you don’t see people like you in your family, or in movies and stuff. Like, how’s your life even supposed to go when you know perfectly well that you’re not gonna get married to a nice girl someday, like what your mum always said when you were growing up?”

“Yeah,” Dan says in a near-whisper. “I didn’t know you felt that too.”

“Lots of gay people do, at least the ones I met at uni,” Phil says, and it’s weird how casual he sounds, like they’re just talking about the weather, because Dan feels like he’s on the precipice of something. “I think that’s why I liked _Buffy_ so much.”

“Buffy? What about her?”

“No, not the character. The whole show. I got to see two characters of the same gender just, you know. Being together, the same as any of the other couples on the show. Willow and Tara weren’t weird, they were cool witches.” He shrugs. “I suppose in some way, it made me feel normal.”

Dan nods and stares down at his half-empty plate. _Normal._ It’s not a word he’s ever really thought about in relation to himself.

“We should watch _Buffy_ together sometime,” Phil continues, nudging him gently with his shoulder. “You’d really like it.”

Dan nods as he quietly plays with his fork. “So _do_ you think of yourself as normal?”

Phil shrugs. “I mean, no. I’m a pretty weird guy.”

“You are.”

Phil smiles. “So maybe ‘normal’ wasn’t the right word. I guess it’s just that Willow and Tara’s relationship made me feel… I dunno. Like I could actually have a relationship someday without it being seen as weird and wrong.”

“Wanna know something embarrassingly sappy?” Dan asks.

“Always.”

“I think you’re doing the same thing to me, making me realize that _so much_ is possible.” He shakes his head. “Before I met you, I just didn’t think something like this was ever an option. You know. Having a good relationship with a guy. Having this be, you know, _normal.”_

“It is, Dan. Of course it is.”

“I just thought it wasn’t. Not with the guys I’ve been with.” Dan looks down at his plate so he doesn’t have to meet Phil’s eye. They’ve never actually talked about who they’ve been with before each other.

“Dan?” Phil says tentatively. “We can talk about this if you want to. I’m a really good listener, you know.”

Despite himself, Dan smiles to himself. “You are.” He takes a deep breath. “You know, one of the reasons I was drawn to you - I mean, after we started talking - was because you were so unapologetic about being gay. I asked you something, and you were like, _yup, I’m gay,_ like it wasn’t a big deal.”

“I mean. It didn’t happen overnight. I’ve only really been out to my friends - all of them - for a few years,” Phil says. “And I’m still not out to my parents.”

“Yeah, but that’s loads better than me.”

“Dan. Being out’s not like a competition or something. It’s something everyone’s gotta do when it’s right for them. And I might not have even come out to my school friends if I hadn’t been outed against my will.”

Dan sips his coffee. It’s still too hot, and it scorches his mouth a little. “Did you know you’re the first gay guy I ever really talked to? I mean, really _talked._ I’ve just done, um. Other stuff before.” He brings his mug up to his lips for another sip, trying to disguise the flush he’s feeling spread across his face. He feels ashamed and embarrassed, admitting to Phil that he’s done stuff with other guys before.

“It’s okay, Dan. You can tell me.”

“I want you to know that I don’t regret doing stuff with those guys,” he says in a rush. “It helped me figure stuff out. And I liked it. It felt good.”

“But?”

He toys with the concert bracelets on his wrist, remembering. “There weren’t _a lot_ of guys or anything. Just like three, maybe? But I went kinda wild after I turned eighteen. I’d broken up with my girlfriend, and I wanted to figure out who I was. But I didn’t care about them. I didn’t even know most of their names. They were just random guys I met at music festivals or at bars, and we sucked each other off in the bathrooms and behind tents.” He shakes his head. “Why am I telling you this? You probably don’t want to know all of my shitty life choices.”

“But you’re okay, right?” Phil says earnestly. “Like, they didn’t - “ He trails off.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I mean, I was stupid, but I used protection, and they weren’t creepy old guys. They were all around uni age.” He shrugs. “What’s done is done, and it helped me figure out that yeah, I really do like cock, so I guess it wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Phil swallows thickly. Dan looks up to see that he looks pained. “I don’t want to be like those guys, Dan.”

“You’ll never be. You’re not some rando, you’re _Phil.”_

“And you’re Dan.” Phil takes his hand. “It won’t be like the guys we’ve been with before, all right? Because we care about each other. We’re best friends.”

“We are.” Dan feels prickly all over, like he’s said too much. He’s probably just soured the mood of his whole visit, and now Phil’s gonna walk on eggshells around him. He wishes he’d never opened his mouth.

“Hey,” Phil says gently. “Would it help make you feel better if I told you some of my shitty choices in guys?”

Dan looks up into his eyes. “Maybe.”

“So when I was in uni, I pseudo-dated this guy with a mullet for like two weeks. He was the lead singer in a band, and he made me come to one of his shows. He couldn’t sing _at all,_ Dan. And I had to lie through my teeth and tell him I liked his show.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened next?”

“I broke up with him via an embarrassingly formal email that he never responded to.”

Dan bursts out laughing. “Okay, that does make me feel better. Jesus fuckin’ christ, Phil.”

“Yeah, laugh at my shame, Howell. I see how it is.”

Dan shoves at him, and with that, it’s just like it is over Skype. It’s not tense, it’s just them telling stories of the weird things that have happened to them, even when those things hurt. It makes Dan feel so much better, knowing that above all else, Phil wants to be his friend, that he isn’t like those other guys who just wanted a quick fuck.

Phil’s quiet, and Dan waits for him to continue. “You know, I always really wanted a relationship with a guy, a proper one, not just a hookup. I used to get so jealous of my straight friends who were pairing off when I was a teenager. I almost felt angry at them, which I hated. It wasn’t their fault that they didn’t know how I was feeling.”

“But you weren’t ready to tell them then.”

“No. I guess… it’s just hard sometimes, feeling furious and upset with someone for something they don’t even realize they’re doing. Basically, my friends were just existing and living their lives.”

“I feel like that’s the whole story of my life,” Dan says. “Except that your school friends actually seem cool. Mine were just assholes. I don’t think anyone I grew up with would be cool with knowing that I - that I’m with a guy.”

Phil shrugs. “You might be surprised. But you don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to. Honestly, I dunno if I would’ve told my friends if I wasn’t trying to set the record straight.”

Dan snorts. “Straight.”

“Shut up,” Phil laughs, and shoves him playfully. “Set the record _gay,_ then.”

“I still think it’s weird how you like to use that word.”

“What, gay?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s what I am, isn't it? I like guys. A lot.”

Dan’s quiet. He thinks that he likes guys - one guy in particular - a whole lot too, but he’s still afraid of what that means.

“D’you think I’m, y’know. That too?” He can’t even bring himself to say the word, which is embarrassing, but Phil seems to understand.

“I dunno. I think only you can say that. But it’s not a bad thing, Dan. If you’re gay, or if you’re bi, or whatever. Or straight, but I selfishly hope you’re not, because we probably couldn’t be together if you were a straight guy.”

“I’m not,” Dan blurts out, with a force that surprises him. “I mean. I don’t think a straight guy would dream about kissing and touching you all the time, right?”

Phil grins and kisses him, just to prove that point.

**3**  
**November 29th**

“I missed you,” Phil says, resting his forehead against Dan’s. He can feel Phil’s breath against his lips. “Like, _a lot._ More than usual, probably.” He pulls further back to look into Dan’s eyes. It would be very romantic and something to savour, if they hadn’t been apart for a few _very_ long weeks, and if they hadn’t just come back from the train station, and if they hadn’t agreed over Skype that they were going to have sex when Dan came ‘round to Phil’s next.

“I missed you too,” Dan says, _“a lot,_ but can we please get back to making out?”

“All right, mister horny,” Phil says with a laugh. He pulls Dan over to the bed, and they lay down, Phil hovering over top of Dan. Their hips rest together, and yup, that’s definitely Phil’s dick rubbing against his hip bone, hard and hot.

Dan moans into Phil’s mouth at the feeling, and his hand drifts down along Phil’s back. He feels brave enough to grope at Phil’s ass over his jeans, and Phil bucks forward a little before pulling back and looking Dan in the eye.

“Are we okay with this? I know we talked about it over Skype, but - ”

“Phil, you’re very sweet for making sure I’m okay, but we’ve known each other for literally months. I trust you, and I am a hundred and ten percent ready to make each other come, if you want to.”

“I want to,” Phil whispers into Dan’s ear, making him shiver. “I really, really want to.”

With a sentiment like that, Dan’s entirely expecting Phil to go right for his trousers. But he doesn’t. He continues to kiss Dan with vigour, moving down to suck and nip at his neck.

Dan groans, gripping onto Phil for dear life. It feels so good, having Phil’s teeth lightly biting at this sensitive part of his body.

“You’ve never done that before. Did I tell you about my neck thing when we Skyped?” he moans weakly.

“Yup,” Phil says happily, and goes back to leaving what’s probably gonna be a sizable bruise.

Dan closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling. There’s so many sensations happening right now: Phil’s teeth nibbling at his neck. The scrape of Phil’s stubble against his skin. The small movements Phil’s hips are making against his own hip. It’s so much already.

After a while, Phil’s hands drift down to the hem of Dan’s shirt, his fingers tracing the newly exposed skin. Dan helps him out, sitting up so that he can remove his shirt properly. Once it’s been tossed on the floor, he can’t help but feel a little awkward at how skinny and hairless he is, but Phil doesn’t seem to mind. He circles his thumb around one of Dan’s nipples, and Dan forgets all about feeling nervous.

He’s never really given much thought to his own nipples before. His ex-girlfriend hadn’t, and he ignorantly always just figured it was a thing for people with breasts.

Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s turned on, but holy fuck, it actually feels _good._ Not as good as having his neck sucked on, but still. And when Phil puts his mouth to one nipple, Dan can’t help but push his chest up to meet Phil’s mouth.

“Good?” Phil asks, pulling up for air.

“Yeah, really good.” Phil circles a thumb around Dan’s nipple, and he draws in a shaky breath. “Can we take your shirt off now? I wanna see you too.”

Phil laughs and starts unbuttoning his shirt. “Eager.”

They’ve seen each other shirtless quite a few times now, in-person and over Skype, so it’s not like it’s a mystery what they look like.

But still, it feels like _so much more_ to be here in-person, running his hands through Phil’s chest hair. He’s never just done something like stroke a guy’s chest before. It’s always been a quick unzipping of trousers to get the job done as quickly as possible. If anything, this action feels far more overwhelming and intimate than the thought that they’re soon going to be touching each other’s dicks.

“I like this,” he manages to say, his voice coming out in an almost-pathetic whisper. “I like your chest hair. It’s nice.”

Phil snorts. “Really? Guess eating all of those sandwich crusts when I was a kid paid off.”

He nods, feeling too dazed to even play around with that joke. Just like Phil did to him, he lowers his mouth to one of Phil’s nipples, swirling his tongue around it. Phil’s fingers weave through his hair, and he lets out a happy noise, somewhere between a sigh and a groan.

“That’s nice,” he says breathily above Dan.

Dan keeps at it until Phil gently moves him up so they can kiss some more. Time stretches endless in front of them, and yet seems so finite and precious. Dan runs his hand along Phil’s cheek and once again feels the prickly trace of stubble. It makes a thrill run through him, reminding him that Phil’s a guy and how sexy that is to him.

Not that this is some big gay revelation to him. He knows he likes guys. He’s not gonna deny that it was hot before, when he hooked up with guys in the darkness of music festivals and late nights out. He liked their beards and their dicks just fine. It felt good to have them touch him.

But hooking up with them brought a certain sense of terror. What if someone he knew from school discovered them?

Being with his ex-girlfriend - his only other actual relationship - also brought a sense of terror, with a side helping of fear and guilt. Back then, he couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant that he was with her, that he was using her, that people still beat him up at school. How he always procrastinated on sleeping with her so he just didn’t have to come to terms with his sexuality.

So yeah. Being here in this moment, not having to hide behind a veil of anonymity, and being able to be exactly who he is feels really fucking good. Phil knows who he is, and he likes him for it.

It’s not even that getting naked with Phil is some perfect, magical thing, because it’s not. They’re still them, two uncoordinated, awkward guys. Dan’s jeans get stuck halfway down his legs, and they have a laughing fit trying to to get them off. And it turns out that Phil’s sides are really ticklish, which Dan takes full advantage of.

It’s maybe not the sexiest thing to tickle Phil mercilessly, but somehow, that makes it even better. This doesn’t have to be super-serious, because it’s just _them._ They still get to be best friends, even when they’re trying to get each other off.

When they finally shed their boxers, Dan can’t stop staring at Phil’s dick. It’s thicker than his own, and a little bit longer, but Dan can’t bring himself to feel awkward about their differences.

That’s because his brain has screeched to a halt, presenting him with a very pornographic image about what that cock might feel like inside of him, what Phil would look like while fucking him, and how their bodies would move together. That image has gotten him off more than a few times these past few months, but it’s thrown into vivid colour now, seeing Phil naked in front of him.

But no. They’re not going to do that today. Dan feels like he’s about to rattle apart just by the overwhelming intimacy of being naked together like this.

“You okay?” Phil asks gently.

“Yeah,” Dan says. His voice cracks a little, and he’s glad when Phil doesn’t take the piss out of him for that. Maybe they’re both overwhelmed.

Phil smiles and runs his fingers down Dan’s side. “I’m gonna touch you now, okay?”

Dan nods, and if he thought he was gonna rattle apart before, it’s nothing compared to how he feels when Phil takes his dick gently into his hand and gives it a firm stroke.

“Oh,” Dan says stupidly, because it feels _really fucking good._ He watches Phil’s hand move up and down a few times, twisting slightly when he reaches the head. He’s got a really pretty hand, Dan thinks. And a really pretty cock.

After an embarrassingly long time, he realizes it would only be polite to be an active participant instead of just silently staring at Phil’s dick like a major creep. When he does wrap his hand around it, Phil moans quietly and moves to kiss him once again. Dan slips his tongue into Phil’s mouth, and oh my god, kissing feels even better now that they’re touching each other.

Phil is hard in his hand, his tip leaking just a little. Dan runs his thumb through the moisture, and Phil shivers and kisses him harder. Dan thinks his brain is actually exploding.

“You wanna make this even better?” Phil mumbles into Dan’s mouth.

“Fuck. Yeah,” Dan says. He regrets agreeing when Phil removes his hand and sits up in bed.

“No, where are you going?” Dan whines.

“Hold on. I’m getting lube. It’s gonna feel really nice, promise.”

Dan watches him open his bedside drawer and take out a bottle of lube. Now that he’s not distracted by Phil’s hand stroking his dick, he takes this moment to shamelessly appreciate the long line of Phil’s body and the curve of his ass.

“Enjoying the view?” Phil asks, rolling back over.

“Just a bit,” Dan says.

Phil grins and uncaps the lube. “You ready?”

“Yeah.”

Phil takes them both into his lubed-up hand. When Dan looks down, their cocks are lined up right next to each other, nearly fully encircled by Phil’s hand, and holy shit, if that’s not the hottest thing he’s ever seen. Dan thinks that maybe, quite possibly, he’s dying of how good it feels.

“Good?” Phil asks.

“Yeah, oh my god, fuck. _Fuck.”_

He’s not going to last long. Just the pure visual of their cocks rubbing together has sent a wave of pure lust through Dan’s horny brain. And then Phil twists his wrist up in just the right way, and it’s too much.

Even though they’ve only been going at it for literally a few minutes, Dan comes hard, all over Phil’s fist. He’s dizzy with it, his brain pleasantly foggy. It’s a sensation that’s only added to when he looks over and sees that Phil has taken to jerking himself off with purpose. He’s staring _right at Dan,_ his eyes dark, and Dan’s cock twitches painfully, trying to get hard again.

“Let me,” he mumbles, letting his hand fall to Phil’s dick. He’s close; Dan can tell that by how he’s practically fucking into Dan’s fist, his cock still slick with lube and Dan’s own come. It’s the hottest thing Dan’s ever experienced, bringing this boy apart, watching him pant and whimper, watching the space between his eyebrows furrow as he gets close, knowing that it’s Dan who’s making him feel really, really good right now.

Dan stares down, watching Phil’s hips snap forward with purpose to meet the motions of Dan’s hand.

It doesn’t take long before Phil follows him, adding to the mess between them. His breaths come out in pants, warm against Dan’s bare chest, and Dan can’t help but shiver and stroke his back.

They cuddle close for a few moments, until they realize that yeah, drying come is a really gross sensation. Phil grabs a few tissues from his nightstand and cleans them up quickly.

Dan presses his cooling skin to Phil’s, letting his endorphins and emotions settle in.

“Was it good?” Phil whispers, pressing a gentle kiss to Dan’s hair.

“Yeah,” Dan says. And then to his extreme embarrassment, he fucking starts to cry.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Phil says, sitting up, a note of panic in his voice. “Dan?”

“I’m fantastic,” Dan says. He also sits up, trying to wipe away the tears. “It’s just. It’s never felt like this before. This good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He sits quietly, reveling in the emotions and feeling running through his body right now. Mostly, he feels loved and in love, although he’s not about to tell Phil that right this moment, like some sap who’s in love after having his dick touched for a few minutes.

“Tell me what you’re feeling. God, I’m just - I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’ve just… I’ve never had it be so easy before. It’s never felt like this for me.” Dan swallows. “I never thought I could shamelessly enjoy, you know. Sex with a guy.” He sniffs. “I thought that maybe it was impossible, something that people made up because they all secretly felt just as guilty as I did.”

“It’s not impossible,” Phil whispers. “You can live without feeling sad or guilty.”

“I think I’m actually starting to understand that now.” He rolls over, tucking himself into Phil’s body. Phil begins to stroke his bare shoulder comfortingly, and he closes his eyes. “But I always worried so much, you know, before. With other people. I thought that was just the way it was, that I’d always be afraid, that I would always feel wrong.”

“Are you feeling that now?”

“No. Definitely not.” He kisses lingeringly at Phil’s collarbone. “But that’s ‘cause everyone else is boring and you’re different.”

Phil laughs, and Dan can’t visually confirm, but he thinks that Phil sounds a little choked up with tears of his own. He squeezes him extra tight to make up for it.

“I’m sorry, Phil. I didn’t mean to make us feel upset.”

“Are you kidding? I think this is the best day ever. I got to pick you up from the train station, and make you come. And that’s before we’ve even gotten to spend a whole week together. I’m the least upset person in the whole country.”

“No, that’s me.”

Phil retaliates by jamming his fingers into Dan’s side, and he starts laughing and squirming helplessly. “No, stop!”

Phil relents, and they snuggle up on top of the covers.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Phil asks, stroking Dan’s side.

“I’m sure. And I’m also sure that I really, really like you.”

“Anything else?” Phil is grinning.

“I know you’re fishing for compliments now,” Dan says. “I know for sure that you’re hot, and that having sex with you felt really amazing, and that I came my fucking brains out in, like, three minutes of you touching me, which I’m very much trying not to be embarrassed about. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Yup.” Phil - the cheeky bastard - kisses him once again. “It’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Reblog [here.](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/621932648332476416/for-the-first-time-in-such-a-long-time-i-know)
> 
> Title from "Brand New Day" (Joshua Radin), which came onto my Spotify at I was writing this, and I felt it fit the mood well.


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